This Fourth of July is must proclaim from the highest point in Tulsa:
Joey Chestnut for PRESIDENT!!!!!
It's an appropriate squeal for a man that's done so much for all of us.
I tell you what, it was a crying shame that a Japanese dude held the coveted Mustard Belt for as long as Takeru Kobayashi did. SIX STRAIGHT YEARS?! Shame on we gluttons for allowing that to happen in the greatest eating competition of them all.
But when Joey swooped in on the fateful day in 2007 and downed 66 hot dogs WITH BUNS in 12 minutes to claim the title of ultimate frankfurter eating champ, it set off fireworks in my heart that rival any colorful display in any sky across this nation's plains. From sea to shining sea, Chestnut achieved something that all of us red, white and blu-ers could be proud of.
Joey is what we should ALL strive to be: the man that put the world in its place. He's now the 5-time reigning champ in the Nathan's Hot Dog eating contest. The Independence Day tradition is one that inspires the little fat kid in my just dying to get out.
This holiday weekend, when you crack open an 8-pack of dogs and light up the charcoal, remember this nation's great beefy consuming hero. The man who holds the world record with 68 dogs in 12 minutes.
Raise a glass and pass the mustard. It's the Fourth of July… which shall henceforth be known as: