The Mommy Network

At 26, Melissa Taplin went through some of life's biggest stress tests. She had a baby. She moved to a new town. And she found herself facing something many moms-to-be don't anticipate, but all

Monday, March 20th 2000, 12:00 am

By: News On 6

At 26, Melissa Taplin went through some of life's biggest stress tests. She had a baby. She moved to a new town. And she found herself facing something many moms-to-be don't anticipate, but all too many new moms come to know well: a sense of isolation.

"I was totally lost," she says. "We moved from Whitesboro to Sherman. I didn't have any friends."

These days, Ms. Taplin, now 30, is a mother three times over; her kids are 4, 20 months and 6 months. She's not alone anymore. "One day, someone from our new church, Western Heights Church of Christ, called and asked me to come and play this [dice] game - bunco."

The dozen women, all of them mothers, still meet regularly. "We're just a bunch of church ladies getting together and rolling dice," she laughs.

Actually, the women share far more. Together, they form one of countless informal networks of mothers who exchange everything from baby equipment to parenting advice to consolation to child care. They brag about their children's accomplishments, confide their frustrations, and yes, even manage to squeeze in some non-kid-related conversation.

Motherhood - and the anticipation of motherhood - has brought together women who might have otherwise remained strangers.
"I have one friend who's got four kids, and she has been through every situation you can think of," says Ms. Taplin. The two knew each other since they were themselves babies.

They drifted apart but rekindled the friendship when they found themselves living, once again, in the same town.

Ms. Taplin calls her friend for all sorts of counsel. "She talks me through crises. She had a really premature baby, under two pounds. My last baby was premature and in intensive care. She gave me advice and that helped a lot."

Perhaps the single most important advice for new moms is, in fact, to seek advice from those who've already walked in similar shoes - shoes planted behind a baby stroller. But for some new mothers, particularly those who live
far from the traditional support of an extended family, this can also be one of the most difficult aspects of their new role. Where, exactly, does one find other moms to bond with?

"A lot of women feel panicky about being alone with a baby," says Katie Barnes, who helps lead monthly meetings for La Leche League, an organization for nursing mothers.

She also runs weekly play groups for moms and kids. "Right before and right after having a baby, they feel isolated."

Ms. Barnes encourages even mothers of tiny babies to attend her play group. "We say, 'Your baby doesn't need to play yet, but you need to be around moms,' " she says. And so they come out. Eager moms, shy moms, some feeling totally isolated, others wanting to expand existing support groups.

Cynthia Camp, mother of 3-year-old Samantha and soon-to-be mother of a second child, has created her own circle of mom-friends. They constantly communicate on topics ranging from excessive baby drool, to baby product safety, to where to find a plastic surgeon for an emergency busted baby lip.

The Dallas resident is a member of a complicated double network of sorts. She and several other moms, spread throughout Dallas, Fort Worth and McKinney, share either direct friendships or friend-of-friendrelationships, all of them providing parenting resources for one another.

"When we're pregnant and have some symptom, it's more comfortable to call your girlfriend who has been pregnant or is in the same state, rather than calling the nurse in your doctor's office," Ms. Camp says. "Networking gives a comforting feeling."
That same sort of exchange applies once the baby arrives, too. Each of Ms. Camp's friends has at least one child, and several either have or are pregnant with their second. "We share things like baby swings and high chairs and car seats. Someone will say, 'Go ahead and use this for six months.' Even if you don't borrow a product, at least you can get the information on what's best."

Ms. Camp and her friends - Ellison Lasater, Lonna Herrscher, Beth Upp and a few others - get together for lunch weekly, on days the kids are in a Mother's Day Out program. They also frequently rely on the phone to exchange reassuring stories.

Ms. Camp tells her friends of the time Samantha was sick and misdiagnosed at the doctor's office. She refused to leave and in the end, her pediatrician apologized, commending Ms. Camp for sticking with her mother's intuition.

"It's very helpful to tell your friends these types of stories," she says, "because you know that someday, when they need it, it's going to click in their heads."

Beth Upp, mother of 4-month-old Sarah, joined the circle later than the rest when she moved to Dallas three years ago.

"If you call one friend, they might say, 'That didn't happen to me, but it happened to Cynthia.' " Which leads to a call between those two. Which, Ms. Upp explains, "is how you come to make friends with everyone."

These women don't just rely on one another. Each has found various ways to connect with mothers outside of the group, further extending the network.

Ms. Herrscher is mother of 3-year-old William and 1-month-old Jacob. "When we lived in Dallas, we didn't live on a family street," she says. "We moved out to McKinney, and we're this neighborhood that's like Mayberry - it's family-ville."

In the summer, Ms. Herrscher and her family are members of a beach club in the neighborhood. Beyond that, she finds other ways to interact with moms. "With William, anything I could sign him up for, like Gymboree, I'd go [to]. The park is a major meeting place, too. Any given day when it's not nap time, the park is filled with moms and their strollers."

Approaching unfamiliar mothers might seem awkward at first, but Ms. Lasater, mother of a 13-month-old and due to have her second child in April, explains, "It's amazing. With a child you can talk to anyone."

She often meets old friends, and makes new ones, in the park near her Fort Worth neighborhood. "It's real easy to jump into a conversation with people who have kids the same age, even people I don't know."

Family-friendly restaurants and coffee shops provide other opportunities for moms who feel isolated to encounter, and talk to, others who feel the same way. "Lots of moms go to the Starbucks on Greenville Avenue," says Ms. Upp. A manager at that location confirms that Tuesdays and Fridays are indeed busy baby days.

And then there is that old standby, McDonald's. Many parents bemoan the place ("When ever will we eat adult food again?") but the truth is, it's clean, reliable, and there are always other parents and kids there.

"The biggest place I meet other moms is at McDonald's," says Amy Murphy, who lives in Rowlett. She takes her 11-month-old daughter Ana, her 3-year-old son, Kharis, and the two girls she baby-sits to the Golden Arches once a week.

"It's terrible, healthwise," she admits. "But the children have a place to play, and it's my chance to talk to humans over seven."

Like Ms. Lasater, Ms. Murphy doesn't have a problem forgoing formalities and launching into a chat with a mom she hasn't met before. "I just sort of strike up a conversation," she says. "I tend to be forward." Sometimes, she'll even run into the same moms in different places.

On two occasions, she met moms in toy stores, then later encountered them at La Leche League meetings. In fact, the league is a topic that comes up frequently among networking moms who choose to nurse their babies. For a small membership fee (which is optional), the international organization provides local meeting places where experienced leaders offer education, advice and encouragement to moms-to-be, new moms and even mothers of toddlers and pre-schoolers.

Nancy Gray, who has four adult children, made lifelong friends when she joined the league decades ago. Now, though she doesn't formally lead any group, she still volunteers for telephone work with the league.

Besides answering questions related to breast-feeding, she says, "Moms move in from other areas and call saying, 'I need to be around other moms.' I tell them to go to a meeting. I look back on my own experience - those first few months I felt like a loner. When I started going to meetings, I felt like, 'Oh, a connection!' "

Spike Gillespie (spikella@aol.com) is an Austin free-lance writer and a features editor at Oxygen Media.