When it comes to dressing up kids, there's a fine line between fashion statements and too many frills

She thinks the baby looks darling. He says the velvet knickers and lace make their son look too fussy. <br><br>But he can't possibly want their child to wear overalls to every special occasion.<br><br>Actually,

Wednesday, April 12th 2000, 12:00 am

By: News On 6

She thinks the baby looks darling. He says the velvet knickers and lace make their son look too fussy.

But he can't possibly want their child to wear overalls to every special occasion.

Actually, he does. That's where the fine art of negotiation kicks in.

Yes, as parents go out browsing among the sailor suits and Cowboys jerseys, sometimes mom's "must-haves" are dad's "absolutely-nots" and sometimes dad's "gotta-haves" are mom's "you-gotta-be-kiddings."

The conflicts that arise when parents are deciding how to dress their kids for special occasions and formal events may be enough to strain relationships - or make them stronger.
Sometimes you can change your significant other. Sometimes you change yourself. What happens most often is that you learn to compromise.

"I could buy every single thing there," Lisa Mead says wistfully of the line of dressy, smocked Casa De Ninos' children's fashions that her friend, Paula Smith, showcases at her home.

But last time she went to Ms. Smith's, she resisted her impulses out of deference to her husband's tastes.

"I love all that smocked stuff, but Bill would just flip if Austin wore that every day. I did see one that had little trucks on it and I thought I could slip that one by. But I decided not to torture him."

At the same time, Ms. Mead doesn't believe in total surrender.

While her husband gets veto power over what 15-month-old Austin wears on a daily basis, she controls what he wears to Sunday school and other special occasions.

That's when the sailor suits with little monogrammed sailor collars come out of the closet, and the camera goes click.

Lisa Clingman recalls a sweet little number like that she once put on her son, James, when he was 3 months old.

"It had smocking, but it was blue and it had dinosaurs on it. My husband said, 'Isn't that a little too girlish?' "

"I didn't think so, but when we went to church, people kept saying, 'Oh, your little girl is so precious.' And that was it. No more. Basically, my husband said, 'He will never wear that again.' But he thought it was too feminine from the beginning."

Ultimately, she agreed with her husband to toss the outfit.

Dr. Kenneth Springer, a psychologist at Southern Methodist University, describes the tug of war over kids' clothing as common.
"I think it's a source of tension in marriages that the other person is not just a conduit for your own wishes, that they have their own ideas about child-rearing and they're 50 percent of the parentage," says Dr. Springer.
"I see a lot of people who are living vicariously through their kids, dressing their kids the way they would like to look. Whether you're conscious of it or not, your child is your second chance to relive your childhood, to fix some of your mistakes, to do things as you wish you had done them. It's a way to live your unfulfilled dreams or do the kind of things you weren't able to do as a child."

At the same time, couples who can find mutually agreeable solutions in this arena will find themselves with the tools to work out other differences as well, he says.

"If people can't compromise on their taste about fashion and clothes, then a good way to compromise is when one parent gets a chance to dress the child the way he wants, and another day, the other parent gets a chance to do it the way she wants.

"The best thing people can do is grit their teeth once in a while and let the other person have some autonomy on fashion choice. And in the end, it's good for the kids to get different ideas of fashion and clothes."

Ms. Smith says that since she started showcasing children's fashions, she hears conflicts between husbands and wives "all the time."

"Most women find it very hard to find dressy boys' clothes that their husband will like, because a lot of men don't want their boys in anything that's smocked or too tailored or Lord Fauntleroyish," she says.

It's not an issue in her family, she says, with Claire Francis, 1, Benjamin, 3, and Nathan, who turns 5 on April 20.

"My husband and I agree that they're only babies once, and this is the only time you can dress them up in sailor suits. My little boys always wore little John-Johns (the one-piece short-alls with little shirt underneath popularized by John F. Kennedy Jr.) and smocked outfits."

Pam Okada, a Dallas-based pediatrician at Children's Hospital, usually leaves it to her husband, Mark, to select clothing for their five children, who range in age from 4 months to 9 years.

"He has a really good fashion sense, and I don't use that side of the brain that well," says Dr. Okada. "He keeps it simple and plain and traditional."

But there was that one occasion when she had her heart set on her middle one, Lauren, wearing a big white bow for a family portrait when she was a baby.

"He doesn't like bands on their heads," Dr. Okada says. "He thinks it looks silly, which I attribute to his California upbringing, because here, all the girls have bows on their heads."
Mr. Okada says, "It leaves marks on their heads when it's done, and that looks kind of goofy."

They didn't fight about it - not exactly.

"I put it on for her picture and he rolled his eyes and said, 'OK, whatever,' " says Dr. Okada.

Lisa Mead says one of the reasons she likes to dress her son up so much is that it makes her recall how she was dressed up as a child.
"My grandmother used to sew me smocked clothes all the time," she says.

She and her husband tried for five years to have a child before having Austin, who is the only grandchild on both sides of the family.
"He's our miracle baby," she says softly. "And I like him to wear things as special as he is."
She knows, too, that the clock is ticking on her dressing him this way, and not just because of any objections her husband may have.

"When he's three or four, he won't put up with it himself. So I just want to get a few more smocked outfits on him before then."