A perfect love: 2 books offer tips for staying married

Shocking. Simple. Profound. So provocative that even couples married for 50 years will find themselves in deep conversation on the quality of their marriage. <br><br>These are just a few ways to describe

Friday, March 24th 2000, 12:00 am

By: News On 6

Shocking. Simple. Profound. So provocative that even couples married for 50 years will find themselves in deep conversation on the quality of their marriage.

These are just a few ways to describe two new books by Joel Saltzman, who, using the pen name J.S. Salt, asked 1,000 men and women what they want from their spouses.

The results are in How To Be The Almost Perfect Wife: By Husbands Who Know and How To Be The Almost Perfect Husband: By Wives Who Know (Shake It! Books, $7.99).

"The opposite sex is a mystery, says Mr. Saltzman, a business coach and ex-comedian who was recently in Dallas to give a creativity workshop. "Men are loath to say, 'How am I doing?' or 'What do you need?' Women were very eager to talk; with men,it was like pulling teeth."

The books are a compilation of quotes from couples of all ages. Each chapter has a theme, such as communication, love and affection, home and family, and sex and adventure. The quotes, says Mr. Saltzman, are intended as "catalysts for conversation."

For example, Maddie, 43, who's been married for two years, asks her husband: "When I'm trying to talk with you, I need you to stop what you're doing and look me in the eye - so I know you're really listening."

Linda, 40, who's been married for 15 years, says ,"Never stop courting, impressing me and flirting with me like you did the first time we met. My body may be aging, but in my mind I'm still 18."

Frank, meanwhile, who's 48 and has been married for 16 years, asks this of his wife: "On the days or years he's not looking like such a bargain, remember when he was brand new and still had hair. Then remember when you used to laugh at his bad jokes and kiss his pot belly. Finally, say to yourself, as many times as needed, until it sinks in: 'I'm not perfect either. I'm not perfect either. I'm not perfect either.' "

Mr. Saltzman tells a story about working on his book. His wife asked to see the pile of rejected comments he had collected. She picked up one that asked a husband to give his wife a good morning kiss. She asked why he had chosen not to include that comment.

"It doesn't speak to me," he replied. She told him to look closely at the handwriting. It was her own request of him. From then on, she assisted in the collection of wives' quotes.

"I'm ignorant," Mr. Saltzman admits.

In fact, in his research, the author found out that it's sometimes the little things that make a difference in a relationship. "A big thing for women was little gifts or little things. It's not the big birthday or Valentine's Day gift," Mr. Saltzman says. "It's the little things you do throughout the year."

As for husbands, sometimes a certain amount of space is necessary. Many of the men commented on respecting the sanctity of watching Monday Night Football . "He's not talking about football; he's talking about cave time," Mr. Saltzman says. "It's important for guys to know what other guys are thinking."
Working on the book not only gave Mr. Saltzman insight into other marriages, but it led to significant changes in his own.

"I take a moment now to give my wife a good morning kiss. I did it before, but I do it with a lot more frequency," he says. "I now make it a point to say once a day, 'I love you.' It reminds me that I love her and we have a habit of taking each other for granted. That is an example of a small thing that makes a major impact."

Although not every quote applies to every marriage, every person in a marriage will find something in the book to identify with. "A big kick was how old and how long some had been married," Mr. Saltzman says of his contributors. "From age 29 to 80, it doesn't change.

"Some people said they thought it was going to be a funny little book and were shocked and excited that it had some real depth," he says. "It is a sugar-coated pill. I believe it is a real service to write less and say more. I chisel it down to the important stuff."

Mr. Saltzman has been married to his wife, Deborah, for seven years. They live in Thousand Oaks, Calif.

"After seven years [of marriage], I feel lucky," he says. "We realized you can't both be right all the time. We tried to agree 100 percent on everything, and it was too much."

Working on his last two books, Mr. Saltzman has learned a lot about marriage.

"You need a license to drive a car, but to get married, there is no course," Mr. Saltzman says. The books can serve as "group therapy for married people."

Karen Rangel is a Fort Worth free-lance writer.